I am trying to keep positive, but I can’t help the acute sting of… what is it? Pain? Jealousy? WHAT is it? I don’t know. It slices slices through me as I scroll through pictures on my screen. I am instantly angry at my reaction, grumble a curse word aimed at Instagram, at social media, at the world in general, and toss my phone on my bed.
This is ridiculous.
I am not hurt.
I am NOT hurt.
It just… Its just that… I wish, for once, I would quit getting my hopes up. I wish someone would choose ME for once, and not take my heart and love for grated.
…..
I wrote that a few days ago. I typed it right there in the Google Doc named F&F02, replacing what I had already planned for episode 2. I was going to make a spectacle of this. I was actually going to record that and let that be the opening to Feels and Flowers episode 2.
How embarrassing.
I am a pretty impulsive person, but I am grateful that one of life’s lessons is: Sleep on it.
I am glad I did.
I am not the only one who has been through this, and I am not the first one to experience it. At my age that how it goes. We are at that age where change is a given. People are getting married, people are moving for jobs, people are dating (and then they are not); life is going on fairly quickly. If friends can’t adapt to each other’s schedules and can’t make each other a priority then the bonds are going to loosen and loosen and they cease to have any significance.
This is reality. This is called being a grownup. And I am healing from it after having processed it in a way that is healthier and better for me. And I think I’m going to be fine! Yay!
Still. It is important that I acknowledge the wish I stated.
I wish someone would choose ME for once, and not take my love for grated.
The wish is valid. It is nothing to be embarrassed about, and it is definitely not unique to me. That is a wish we all have, which is why we take a chance on love, and again and again choose to put our hearts on the line in the hope that maybe this is the meaningful, deep, and lasting relationship that will finally fulfill that wish.
That wish is implanted in our hearts by our Creator who made us social creatures. We were never meant to be isolated, self-contained beings. We were made in His image, and our God is a plurality. He is relational, and the need to find a kindred soul is integral in the story of the creation of mankind.
“The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him” Genesis 2:18
I think He, above everyone else, knows this feeling. Knows that gentle yearning (though it sometimes turns into a gnawing hunger) for someone to choose HIM for once. And I don’t think it is wrong to state that He deserves our first, our last, and our best.
The whole point of this blog entry is, therefore, to take a moment and acknowledge that He is all around you. He is constantly enveloping you in love, He is caring for you, He is making sure your needs are met, He is blessing your everyday ordinary-ness with beauty you sometimes don’t have eyes to see with because you’re too caught up in the grind.
Just stop. Breathe. And send the heavens a heart-felt “Thank You” That is a start. Then find ways to give him the first, the last, and the best of you.
Choose HIM.